The way you THINK may very well be the difference between well-being and illness.
WRITTEN BY Judith A. Porter, DDS, MA, EdD
Most of us fulfill many roles - dentist, caregiver, employer, mentor, organizer, spouse, parent, chauffeur, chef - the list seems nearly interminable. In the past, most of these roles were attributed to females, but that’s not the case today. Women are increasingly sharing these roles with their spouses or life partners.
As health professionals, we have extensive training in the arts of caring and giving, sometimes at our own expense. The questions I ask you, the gentle reader, are: How do we treat ourselves? Do we even think about it? Does it matter?
These questions surfaced after I heard an inspirational reading on the radio from a book by Ilanya Vanzant.1 When I heard her words, I realized that many of us construct an aura of “unawareness” when it comes to our feelings and perceptions of self. This lack of awareness is assembled with the building blocks of busyness, productiveness, and self-imposed, sometimes unrealistic goals. While fulfilling the roles of caregiver, teacher, parent, and spouse, we may overlook our own well-being without a second thought.
In our morning shower, how do we treat ourselves? Are our hands nurturing or forceful?1 Do we think about bathing as something we must do to be socially accepted, or as an opportunity for serenity and contemplation? The time we spend bathing is short, but it may be an opportunity to cleanse our minds as well as our bodies. We could visualize the gentle spray and fragrant soap as helpful agents that can wash away the worrisome events of the preceding days and as protection against the trials we may encounter during the ensuing day.
Is eating simply an exercise in consumption and nutrition? Sometimes we eat because it’s the appropriate time of day or we need energy. Rarely are we aware of nourishing our bodies. A friend and I attended a workshop by a Buddhist monk on meditation through silence; however, I gained another important message from that day. The monk told us to be conscious of what we eat: how it tastes, how it feels in our mouths, and how it is being consumed for the nourishment of our bodies. Was it the skill of the caterer that made the meal so delicious, or was it my awareness of the purpose of food and the act of eating? Both are points to ponder.
We all have stories about something we inexplicably endured or a physical feat we didn’t think we could accomplish. We reach goals we never thought we could attain. Often, we don’t give ourselves credit and praise for these accomplishments; we simply expect and demand the best from our overworked selves. We deserve, and, in fact, need our own praise.
How do we talk to ourselves during the day? What messages do we send ourselves as we work and play? I often use my father’s favorite phrase, “You big dummy!” Most of the time, it’s good-natured and I laugh at myself, but there are times I berate myself for forgetting something important or for making the same mistake more than once. Ms. Vanzant1 questioned whether we yell at or accuse ourselves or gently question. Do we judge ourselves too often, while at the same time work hard not to judge others?
I have a dear friend who suffers from depression. She expects great things of herself, and she reaps the rewards (she made only one B in college). Battling depression or any other obstacle means having the courage to push forward every day. This friend is my heroine because she has the courage to get through day after day. She faces down depression and its demons and makes her own success. We are all heroes for making it through each day, whether or not we do it gracefully. Messages that urge us toward the unreachable goal of perfection are counterproductive. Messages that we are unworthy unless we achieve certain goals, create perfect restorations, own a BMW, or raise the perfect child must be unlearned. We deserve praise for our ability and willingness to keep trying, and trying each day to be a better person is reason for applause.
Ms. Vanzant1 said we don’t have to change anything today, just think about it. Be aware that we set the standard for how others treat us by showing others how we treat ourselves.
Remember the first time you caught yourself acting like your mother or father? An even more shocking experience for me was when I saw one of my children rushing to achieve one more task by 11 p.m., just as I had modeled. I justified time to relax only after the tasks were done. At that moment, I wondered if I had taught my children what they needed to be well, or just to survive. Modeling overachievement, a strong work ethic, and ceaseless energy only pays homage to the gods of organization and schedules. That is not what I set out to teach, but it is what I modeled. It was not the mother’s gift I meant to bestow.
There was one moment when I thought I had achieved at least one of my goals. My children and I were driving home from a Little League game, a Scout meeting, or a ballet class, and the two of them were bickering ruthlessly in the backseat of the minivan. We had to cross a bridge over the Kanawha River in West Virginia to get home, and at that moment they both stopped mid-insult and exclaimed, “What a beautiful moon!” A huge harvest moon was cresting over the trees on the opposite bank, a thing of brilliance and majesty. In that instant, I thought I must have done something right if a thing of beauty could stop a sibling quarrel.
This is a message of awareness. Try to be aware of how you talk, nurture, represent, and treat yourself. In more contemplative moments, I wonder if the true managing part of our being is a bright 10-year-old. The child within needs praise, nurturing, encouragement, someone to believe in him or her, and someone to teach the value of love and play. Remember that special teacher, aunt, or grandparent who believed in you and loved you no matter what? You can be that for yourself, and in the process, you can show the people who look up to you that you feel worthy of respect.
Back to the original question, Does it matter? It may very well be the difference between wellness and illness. What do you want from this life? Take the time to really think for a change. Maybe more encouragement, less self-criticism, more confidence, less self-doubt, more love, less fear, more awareness, less autopilot. If we can stop what we’re doing long enough to see a thing of beauty or perform a selfless act, we can learn lessons that will benefit our health and spirits. We’re all just passing through, and I believe we can choose to make the journey an incredibly good ride! ■
Reference
1 Vanzant I. Until today: daily devotions for spiritual growth and peace of mind. New York: Simon and Schuster, 2000.
Judith A. Porter, DDS, MA, EdD
Dr. Porter, a general dentist, has built two solo practices during her career, taking time off in between to raise her children. She obtained a master’s in secondary education in 1999 and an EdD in 2003. She is currently on the faculty at the University of Maryland Dental School.
