Dear bully

What would you say to a colleague who is, well, a bully? After RDH eVillage published “Queen Bees, micromanagers, and bullies: Demons in the Workplace” in November 2009, a survey was conducted to obtain more information about these colleagues that we, well, wish would go away.

The most revealing question of the survey was, “If you could email the Queen Bee, micromanager, bully, or demon one thought, what would it be?”

“The way you talk to people is embarrassing even for the other fellow employees,” one respondent suggested for an email. “If the dentist knew the effect you have on other employees, he would fire you. You have a reputation in the office of running off every other hygienist, and no one can handle your public criticism.

“I threw up every day at work for the last six months I was there. The reason why I came in late is so you wouldn’t have time to hound me because you were already busy and that eventually got me fired. It has been three years and I still think about it today.”

The response above was one of the more pleasant ones. Before sharing more responses, other details about the RDH eVillage survey include:

• Office managers were the “worst demon” in 39% of the cases. In order, the other bullies were hygienists (26%), dental assistant (15%), doctors (13%), and administrative staff.

• Most respondents are still suffering. 56 percent said they are “still there” in the office where the Queen Bee rules. But 33% left voluntarily, and 11% received the mixed blessing of being fired.

• 49% have worked with the bully in their office for four years or less. 35% endured the bully for five to 10 years, and 16% suffered for more than 10 years. A medal could be award to two readers who worked with a tyrant for 28 and 29 years.

Not surprisingly (the survey likely evoked participation from readers who identified with the theme of the article), 95 percent said they have worked with a Queen Bee, micromanager, or bully. What is surprising is that two respondents chose the optional answer of “I am the Queen Bee, micromanager, or bully” in their office.

One said, “For two years, I have been warned about my behavior. I did not realize I was a queen bee.”

The survey asked what the “tipping point” was for respondents who left a bad environment voluntarily. An office manager posted the most eloquent answer.

“The dentist was verbally abusive combined with frequent and random sexual harassment,” the office manager said. “He was bipolar, and I suspect he had some type of addiction disorder: sexual/gambling/drinking.

“Our relationship declined, and he began to single me out. He regularly picked on me in front of staff members and stripped away any chance I had to effectively motivate or lead the team. After an exhaustive job search in a terrible economy, I began to realize this job was affecting my health.

“I took a day off due to stress and escalating blood pressure (BP meds upped four times in three years). When I returned to the office, I missed verifying that a single crown lab case would be delivered. Not necessarily my job, but one that I had assumed since his assistant was not listening to me anyway. He began berating me, telling me that I needed to be more professional. That did it. I did my best to hold together his failing business all the while attempting to manage a dysfunctional doctor and some staff who only cared about a paycheck. That was enough for me. I was tired of caring about his business and patients more than he did. I was tired of trying to keep the peace with staff who were petty and vicious, and I was heartbroken that I was unable to effectively nurture and improve the careers of those that really cared and desired to do good work.”

One reader is plotting her exit. “Can't leave. No jobs out there! Instead, I am getting my accounting degree and leaving hygiene ASAP. I've been through too many bullies and Queen Bees in my 26 years in the profession!”

Another reader explained, “I began having stress-related health issues: heart palpitations, elevated blood pressure, migraines, constant nausea, dizziness, and digestive problems. It was a matter of getting out or dying. I am currently recovering after being out of that situation. The thought of going back to work still gives me those awful feelings. I thankfully have a very supportive husband who is willing to live on a tight budget while I get my SELF back.”

Another reader posted a common concern about weak managers. “My boss said that he would take care of the situation. I waited three months. Nothing changed, but only got worse. I left a job that I loved.”

As mentioned above, many of the respondents still face their bullies on a daily basis. RDH eVillage asked for their “coping strategies.” These strategies included:

• Ignore the person. Only accept discussions related to work, yes or no answers only, keep it as impersonal as possible.

• I go to work with the attitude to do the best job I can for my patients because they are the only thing I find enjoyable about my position anymore. I keep to myself and try to stay out of the office politics. Even though I have opinions about things, I don't voice them.

• Just like the lead penguin in the Madagascar movie says, "Just smile and wave..."

• Find an ally in the office to enjoy discussing anything other than that awful person and stay as far away as possible from the bully. From experience, if the bully is productive at their job, your employer will do nothing until patients leave and tell him why, or possibly if everyone bands together and threatens to quit.

• Totally stay out of communication with this toxic personality, which is almost impossible in dentistry.

• The dentists are great to work for. I just concentrate on my job, go out for lunch, and stay away from the gossip centers. * My coping strategy was simply to watch everything I said to her and try to avoid as much contact as possible. Other than that it was a pretty weak strategy. As you wrote in the article, standing up to her didn't work; it just made it worse. The dentist is a pansy. Even though he knew it was going on, he would do nothing about it. She even bullied him, so he also was afraid of her. When she was nice, she was a really great assistant. So, we all just walk on eggshells around her and make the best of it.

• If she and I butt heads (and you DO NOT argue with her unless you want to be sent home, full schedule or not!), I have found it to be in my best interest to say "I see your point." It is not an apology or "giving in to her." It is a statement that diffuses the situation.

• Keep your friends close, your enemies closer.

The survey concluded by asking what "one thought" an email to the "Queen Bee, micromanager, bully, or demon" would contain. A few responses not included below lacked the civility that one would expect, or otherwise crossed a boundary not acceptable to RDH eVillage.

• I believe that in the end you reap what you sow. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually your character (or lack of) and how you live your life will come back to haunt you.

• We all make mistakes, including you. Own up to yours and stop blaming others. A leader should lead by example. You should follow the same rules everyone else does, not take advantage of things because you are in a position of authority and know that no one will question you.

• You can't believe how much calmer the atmosphere is here now that you are gone. We still manage to get ordering done, equipment maintained, and see patients without the drama.

• Your behavior is very destructive. Your only concern seems to be getting your opinion aired and controlling the office and not taking the time to consider the damaging affects of your tongue.

• You hurt everyone in the office with your vindictive, verbal lashings. Can you not work out your frustrations without verbally abusing others?

• Where did you get your formal dental training as you know nothing about procedures and what is best for the patient? All you are interested in is the all mighty dollar. I
have heard you misinform the patient many, many times just to make yourself look knowledgeable, when you really don't know what you are talking about. It's best to keep your mouth shut instead of giving out completely wrong information and advice.

• We are all very competent, hard working people in this office. We do not deserve to be treated like we are unruly kindergartners who can't string two coherent thoughts together! ASK us to do something, don't DEMAND it!

• You are a member of a TEAM! Each of us has our job and every job is as important to the success of a business as any other job. Respect, respect, respect!

• Patients FIRST. Couldn't decide which ONE thought I would like to share. You know us hygienists can be wordy. : )

• I recognize you for what you are, and you no longer have the ability to torment me.

• What a gift you gave to all of us when you finally left! All of the stress, tension and unrest that you constantly created left with you! A calm, professional atmosphere was a welcomed change. The peace that settled over the office after your departure made coming to work a pleasure. Thanks so very much!

• See a psychotherapist and open your eyes to see the joys in life. Happiness is a choice. Stop looking for someone to blame. It is easy to be angry, but far greater to be happy. For every negative thought that pops in the head, stop and think of 3 positive thoughts before saying anything. If the negative is still important to say, then save it for telling the person one time a week, not every hour and in front of patients.

• I would email her a copy of the article "Queen Bees, micromanagers, and bullies: Demons in the workplace" and ask her if it sounds familiar as the article is describing her and the way she micromanages the office.

• I hope you see the evil of your ways. Your real problem is low self-esteem. You say the same negative things about everyone, and I should know because I worked with you long enough. Maybe if you saw the way you act toward others it would explain your problems with your husband also. You are a self-proclaimed bitch and that is your choice for your life. Well better luck next incarnation. I am happy now and your statement, "I hope you never come back," believe me I would never even consider it. With God's grace someone will put you in your place for the sake of everyone else who works there.

• Dear DDS Queen Bee, Thankfully I was a temp and that's why I didn't return to your office even when requested. I know you loved the way I performed hygiene but I could not handle you. Your cold, uptight, controlling demeanor seethed tension and fear into your work environment.